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Serious Means Systematic
Sep. 25th, 2014 07:43 pmI got reminded today that I'm not taking things seriously enough. Why? I keep pretending that if I just do as the other smart, successful people do, that if I go to sleep every night promising to myself that I will live tomorrow more earnestly than today, that things will sort things out.
I don't like pressing anything resembling the "desperate measures" button because it's like acknowledging I should be left out. Everyone can go out to play, everyone can chase their dreams, and I just have to be content with working out my problems. And I like to hide, even to myself, how much a mess things are.
The denial is a reflection of my anxieties about being open about this to people. People, who, as I've discuss in detail, will have waste my time with bad theories full of useless folk psychology concepts about motivation, willpower.
And it just sucks knowing people look at you with pity. And that's usually a better case. Most of the time I feel that if I were completely candid I'd lose most of my credibility.
"You're not trying. You don't want this bad enough."
Because, sure, "Everyone is a little ADHD, right? Everyone faces these kind of problems."
Here's the reality: I am not everyone. still lack the skills that working society expects an independent adult to have. I am weak in skills that have to do with organization, attention, setting priorities, and estimating things like time and money.
I genuinely believe, with my tendency to make bad decisions, I would have been homeless or worse if you subtracted even one or two parts of my support network. Things have worked when they've worked and have fallen apart when they haven't.
So I have cause to make things more complex, if that means improving these fundamental lack of skills. I have cause to be different and rely on weird methods while I build up missing habits and intuitions. I have cause to spend an inordinate amount of my day on planning and logistics. I want the months and years to follow to be filled with more seeds of regret and frustration.
For now, not much is stopping me except for my own worries of looking terrible.
I don't like pressing anything resembling the "desperate measures" button because it's like acknowledging I should be left out. Everyone can go out to play, everyone can chase their dreams, and I just have to be content with working out my problems. And I like to hide, even to myself, how much a mess things are.
The denial is a reflection of my anxieties about being open about this to people. People, who, as I've discuss in detail, will have waste my time with bad theories full of useless folk psychology concepts about motivation, willpower.
And it just sucks knowing people look at you with pity. And that's usually a better case. Most of the time I feel that if I were completely candid I'd lose most of my credibility.
"You're not trying. You don't want this bad enough."
Because, sure, "Everyone is a little ADHD, right? Everyone faces these kind of problems."
Here's the reality: I am not everyone. still lack the skills that working society expects an independent adult to have. I am weak in skills that have to do with organization, attention, setting priorities, and estimating things like time and money.
I genuinely believe, with my tendency to make bad decisions, I would have been homeless or worse if you subtracted even one or two parts of my support network. Things have worked when they've worked and have fallen apart when they haven't.
So I have cause to make things more complex, if that means improving these fundamental lack of skills. I have cause to be different and rely on weird methods while I build up missing habits and intuitions. I have cause to spend an inordinate amount of my day on planning and logistics. I want the months and years to follow to be filled with more seeds of regret and frustration.
For now, not much is stopping me except for my own worries of looking terrible.
